Clay Aiken: It’s about Freakin’ Time

Clay Aiken announced the other day that he was gay. Like this is news. In my defense, it’s been a really slow week, ok?

Alright, that wasn’t much of an update. It was three sentences. But, I mean, nothing has happened this week. At least, nothing that I can stretch out to about ten paragraphs. Lemme give it a try:

• Fracture Demo Released; I continue not to care
• The Emmy’s. 30 Rock swept the comedy categories, despite being the lowest rated of the nominees.
• Spirit Week at school. Update coming after the pep rally (ugh.)
• Congress voted to allow drilling up to 50 miles off the shoreline. This suspiciously close to their night of fun with Minerals Management Service employees.
• In unrelated news, Mineral Management Services, a federal branch overseeing revenue from oil drilling, turned down approximately 10,000 male job-seekers in a single day.
• Season three of Heroes starts. Similarly to Fracture, I don’t care.

That’s all for today. More Friday. If you’re lucky.

Hell Phone

So, I finally got a cell phone. I know, I know, it’s about damn time. Dunno what took me so long, despite its unnecessarity to me. (No, it’s not a real word. Shut up.) See, thus far it’s created more problems than it’s worth:

First I had to program my contact (singular; I don’t know many people), which is a simple procedure that took no less time and effort than running a successful presidential election. Once that was finished, I needed a good ringtone; the ones included just don’t cut it. I chose the best song ever, and then downloaded it to my computer.

Silly me. See, I assumed that since I had a computer, and my computer had a USB port, and my phone had a USB port, that I would be able to connect the two. Y’know, with a USB cable. Apparently, this is not the case. Apparently, the onlly way to get a ringtone is to first download an application that allows you to download ringtones, then pay them the company (I won’t reveal the name, but it rhymes with “Horizon”) a minor fee of $5.99. Um. WHAT?

See, I HAD the song. It was MINE. I could access it AT ANY TIME via COMPUTER. I didn’t WANT to get it via “Horizon”; I doubt they would even HAVE it. This made me ANNOYED, so much so that I resorted to CAPITAL LETTERS.

I ended up getting it eventually from some website that texts you the song as an attachment. Which still wasn’t free; texts weren’t included in the phone’s plan, so each one (I had to receive two for this tone) cost a quarter. It’s a much better price, but still.

Now, the reason i didn’t get texts is because my family already had an existing plan, which didn’t include them. I could have added them for $5.99 a month (a familiar figure, to say the least), but then I would have had to pay it (My phone was 100% free; everything was already being paid for in the existing plan), which I didn’t want to do because I’m saving up for Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, which came out this week.

In case you forgot, this was a post about how I wanted to get a ringtone without paying for it, which was an impossibility because I didn’t want to pay fifty frickin’ cents, because I’m saving up for another stupid, violent, mind-numbing video game.

Don’t you love me?

PS:these people should receive millions of dollars.

If You Can Read This…

If you’re reading this, then the world didn’t end as planned. Honestly, I figured it wouldn’t. Firstly, the Large Hadron Collider (big, scary-looking machine below post) was only fired up today. Firstly, the collisions between proton particles aren’t going to start until October 21st. Which Is, y’know, more than a month away. And secondly, the guy who reported that black holes may develop was a botanist. He studies plants. Granted, he minored in Physics, but I know a few guys who minored in Greek and can speak perhaps four Greek words between them (“Do you speak English?”)

And the reason, by the way, that I’m writing about the LHC, as opposed to the “Usual Routine” You were expecting, is that nothing funny happened today. Nothing. The only vaguely exciting thing was learning how to say “shit” in Spanish (“Cago”) . Besides that, I went to school, went through my classes, and then went home, and it was all perfectly boring. Granted, I did go to the dentist, but bitching about dentistry can only get you so far. (“Dentists! What’s up with those things?”)

[segue] Speaking of which, [/segue] why would someone become a dentist, anyways? Little Shop of Horrors offers one explanation, but this seems unlikely to be the cause for every dentist’s motivation. At least, not in Miami. I mean, can you think of a more hated person than dentists? Doctors come close- especially around colonoscopy season- but dentists are just condescending enough to make you feel like shit. (Or, Cago.)

“Have you been flossing lately? You gums look swollen. Plus, you’ve got white gunk on your teeth. I think I’m going to grind them up with this miniature sander, then stick the worst-tasting thing since Ben and Jerry’s released Creamy Cago into your mouth for five minutes, and you won’t be able to wash out the flavor for half an hour hahahahaha“

Mommy, my science project is finished!

Brain Humor

So, I decided, for no apparent reason besides boredom, to start a blog. But look: I’m using correct grammar, spelling and punctuation! Whoa!

Anywho, I really can’t think of anything else to write here… oh, yeah! I gotta tell you about myself! This is America, you need to know my business! (Zing!)

Wow! First day and I’ve already alienated half the population. Nice.  So, as I was saying, time for some introductions. My name is Timothy Ventarola, I live in the suburbs, and I’m a sophomore in High School.

Yes, I know. Shut up.

I’m a total geek, by the way. I make AMV’s, I’ve heard of obscure Japanese games, and I do constructive things with my free time.

So, that’s me. I’ll pretty much sit around here on my computer and complain about my life on a semi-daily (read: you will never get an update) basis, despite the fact that I’m far better off than millions of people in third-world nations across the globe.

Every website has Terms of  Service, and i see no reason to break that proud tradition:

1. All material on this website is the sole property of its creator, me, and you agree to at least site me if you copy it. I’m talking to all four of you readers.
2. Any emails or comments sent to me become available for my use in posts. Especially in a scathing manner.
3. This website is not to be held responsible for anyone who may be offended by its contents. That’ll be most of you.
4. Additionally, this website is not to be held responsible for any physical injuries you may incur while reading it… ehh, somehow.
5. Any names I mention, except for those of celebrities, politicians, etc. have most likely been changed. This is because I respect their privacy and also because I do not want to be sued.
6. Please refrain from using profanity in the comments section. I have to share a computer with my sister, and any comments posted will send me an email, which she may end up seeing.
7. Any insects such as spiders, flies, etc, that you kill while reading this website are to be on your conscience and not mine.
8. Yes, I know that spiders are a member of the arachnid family. So are scorpions, ticks, and poodles.
9. Tell all your friends about this website. The view count pretty much directly equates to my self-esteem, so anything would be greatly appreciated.
10. Wow, #9 sounds pathetic! See you tomorrow! Probably!